More me than I’ll ever be

One thing people get twisted about is that I’ve changed so much, from occultist and white nationalist to Jew and lover of all humanity, but that does not change much else of who I am. Many of the things I enjoyed, I still enjoy… yet people act as though I must be some holier than thou person who looks down on everything and everyone when in reality, I’m too focused on being a better me, to worry about judging others. Sure, I’ve changed, but how many times in the past have I invited a friend over for “Tarot and chill,” or “Dark sermon and pie,” in my lifetime, I’d wager never. 

This has been a constant over the past almost 2 years now, whereas people treat me entirely differently, I’m still the same me under everything else. I am in fact more, “me,” than I have been in a very long time honestly, even more than when most of those who know me, met me. I am still the same me, maybe better in some ways, and I am more purely me in a sense in that I am free to be and express who I am more now than ever before. As one of my friends aptly asked me, “So, as a Jewish person what can you still be into or do?”

  • Music – I am into all music, no, literally everything from classical, chamber, opera, hip hop, horrorcore rap, 80’s hair metal, heavy metal, classic rock, progressive rock, Goth, Industrial, Punk, Thrash, doom, new wave, Death metal, black metal, folk, klezmer, some country, reggae, pop, you name a genre, there’s a good chance I like at least a few musicians/bands in it. I am also a musician myself, playing piano, Cajon, drums, bass guitar, singing, writing vocals, pre and post-production, programming midi, and mastering. 
  • Movies and series – I love horror movies, some action movies, science fiction, foreign films, drama, comedy, documentaries, historical pieces, fantasy
  • Books – Horror, fantasy, macabre, and science fiction, I write in each of those genres myself and I love reading them as well. I also read and write a lot on psychology, anthropology, archeology, therapy, and other assorted topics most find utterly boring. Adding to that, I read and study a lot of Jewish books, history, spirituality, peoplehood, religiosity, etc… 
  • Gaming (Video games) – I play video games when I can find the time to, either on my PC, Oculus/Meta Quest 2, or on my Nintendo Switch. I play a wide assortment of games, from fighting games to action games, to my personal favorite Role-Playing games. 
  • Gaming (Tabletop) – Dungeons and Dragons, board games, cards, checkers, chess, you name it, I play it because I’ve found that it helps to bring people together and gives them something fun to do. Some people require more stimulation than watching TV or movies all of the time, and nothing does that more than turning on some tunes and playing a game together. 
  • Record Collecting – Yes, I am one of those types, you know, the kind who feels that records just sound better and that the cover art should be blown up to epic proportions to truly “get it!” I got into record collecting because growing up, we always had records, even during the tape and CD eras, it’s something that brings back nostalgia and I am an old sentimental fool. I have a nice, but still small collection that I take meticulous care of, ranging from the Beatles to Nas, from Pink turns blue to Frank Sinatra. 

So, if you know me, what has changed? I still make everyone laugh around me, I still have too many certifications for how little money I have because I don’t force people to pay for therapy if they can’t afford it. I still write horror, poetry, and non-fiction, paint and do all forms of art, and create music… though I cannot practice martial arts anymore due to my back. Little about me has changed other than the religion I practice and some aspects of the culture I live in, and while I live a wholly Jewish life, much of what made me, “me,” is still the same.

So, what change have I made that makes it any different to talk to me now than it did back then? Is it the Judaism aspect, because I’m an open book in regards to questions someone might have?